Peace

Is peace an empty feeling like all your anger has left

and nothing will replace it?

Is it calm and quiet like a walk in the woods

by yourself?

Or soothing like the sound of a light rain

on a tin roof?

Is it warm like the sun on your face

on a early spring day?

Is Peace the smile that crosses your face when you remember a soft kiss

or a gentle touch?

Is peace the same for everyone

or do each of us find our peace at different times

in various ways?

Does it come slowly

or swiftly?

Does it last once you find it

or does peace fade

and have to be rediscovered?

I think it is like Love,

if you believe in it

and trust it,

you will eventually

find Peace.

 

Out with the Old

This weekend I cleaned out my closets. Both physically and mentally.

In my physical closet was old clothes and memories I have kept with me of my first 50 years of life. I am not even sure why I had some of it.

The old clothes that are too big went first..that was the easy part.

There were recipes I took from my mothers house when she died, hand written on pieces of paper and note cards. Recipes given to her by and named after people  I have never even heard of. I am not exactly sure why I took them.. maybe because cooking and baking with her was the best time I ever had with her and if there was any part of her I wanted to be as a mother, it was that part.  I don’t think that worked very well! I threw them all away.

There were Diet books from all the diets I had tried desperate to use to loose weight I had gained when I was married.  I lost 40 odd pounds after I filed the divorce and have not gained but 10 of it back.  I think there may be a message there but I don’t want to speculate on it.. I just dont think I will need those books again. I threw them away.

There were souvenirs from places I went when I was younger and on my own.. France in High School, Japan and Puerto Rico in the Marine Corps.. these I kept. I was proud of myself having those adventures on my own.  Of family trips during my marriage I have pictures of my kids. Yes I took all the family pictures when I left the marriage. I was the one that took them, developed them, put them in albums.. they were mine. I gave him the videos.. he always liked those best anyway.  I of course kept the albums during this cleaning as well.. they were some of the best times of the marriage.. and I had planned all of them.

Basically I threw away all the stuff that did not make me smile or was not a reminder of my own accomplishment.

Then I did a mental inventory of stuff I had gathered in my brain closet.

In the past year I have shaken with fear of losing the old life which was no longer happy and facing the new one alone which I was not sure would be any happier.   I have  crie d over this fear.  I have run to a bunch of new doors that could be paths for my new life, opened them and waited for someone to push me through and cried again when no one would.    I have faced old demons and created new demons,  I have struck out in anger when I  percieved my demons to be  larger than me, cried again because of the harm my angry actions caused. Then sat empty for the last 2 weeks, crying when I remembered it all.. no longer feeling the victim of others but now the realizing I was the victim of myself.

So out with the old and in with the new. This time I am going to do it slower and calmer and try to face it with less fear and more rational thought processes.   I have started back on my anxiety medication ( I stopped taking it about 2 months ago-defintely a mistake) , made an appointment with a new therapist..one that hopefully will be alittle harder on me and not become my friend, and I took a chance to star ta women’s divorce support group.  I need the support of other women going thru this process like me, and they probably need me. Finding another man right now is not the answer.. I need to find myself, my own peace and the life door I want to venture through.

Oh yeah, I threw out the Match.com on-line dating web site too.  They kinda made me crazy with their matches and the men I met made me nervous.

Now that my closets have been cleaned, I may have some room for the new me!

 

Evil begat Evil

There are theories around that says that a good deed begats a good deed and you should pay it forward. I have come to the conclusion that evil works in the same manner. I have pondered my life and the bad or evil things I have done during it and to tell you the truth I cannot think of that many things that I have done to other people or creatures that was intentionally evil or nasty. Yes, I have talked about people behind their backs, I have said things I shouldn’t, but it has always been followed up by feeling awful about it and trying to do something nice to the person to make up for it.. even if they never even knew I had said anything.  When I was young and my mother had what seemed like a million cats, I would throw one or two out a window.. usually after they had scratched me or pooped on my clothes or something– I never really hurt them though..they always got up and ran away.. and secretly I would find them later and apologise. One time when a boyfriend broke up with me and forgot his camera at my place, I allowed my friends to take pictures with it of shit in a toilet and their butts before I sent the camera back to him.  He was really pissed when he developed the film ( they were other guys butts) . But I had never really done anything intentionally hurtful or mean to anyone or anything until this last year.. no matter how mean or hurtful people were to me.

I loved my mother to her death, I never told on my brother, I allowed my father to come to my house to visit and meet his grand-kids, I never retaliated against the guy who gave me VD or the guy who sexually attacked me, or the tax guy who tried to take advantage of me.. or countless other people over the years who hurt  or harmed me physically or emotionally. But something happened this last year. It was as if  a little bit of the nastiness from each wrongful deed stayed with me, building, growing, snowballing into a larger evil inside me.. waiting and wanting to get out.  It became a dragon.. breathing fire and hungry to devour someone or something. It began to eat at me from the inside out.

I knew I felt an internal struggle going on but I wasn’t sure what it was all about.. I think I have described it, at least to my therapist, as two little people on each of my shoulders fighting and me caught in betweeen.  So many little things came back to me that I had forgotten about, things I buried, the demons or dementors I called them.  It was such an internal struggle.. sometimes I wasn’t even sure what exactly I was feeling. There was  anguish, desperation, anger  and anxiety over everything and amything. there was guilt and hurt and pain and hate.  There were feelings I had tried to keep in check and control for so many years trying to be the perfect member of society and please everyone. Appear “normal” .

Two weeks ago, the dragon came unleashed. The hateful, anger filled, vengeful evil that had grown inside me flew out in the most vile, hateful,disgusting email I beleive I have ever read. There were things contained in that email that I would not even think possible to say. Mean, nasty , ugly words of hatred and retchedness.  Yes, I kept it and have read it several times.. It hurts me to even read the things I wrote. I am not sure I could ever read it out loud or show it to anyone else.  And to make matters worse, to think that a 14 year old child read it.   Read the words about his father .. and his mother…  that I wrote!  My dragon of evil violated the most sacred bond.. the bond I hold higher and more dear than any other..the bond and trust between a child and parent!

His father said that he was a strong sensitive child with a forgiving nature. He called his son his hero  and wished he could be more like his son.. I sure hope that that is true. I hope that the goodness in him is strong.  I hope and pray that I have not passed on a portion of my dragon to him to breed.

There is no way to undo my evil deed..  the dragon is gone.   One of the two little people is dead.. and the person that is left vows to try to pay penance.   If good begats good, then let the rest of my life be good deeds, let me find the best in me and in other people, let me walk away from evil  intent and not take it with me.. let me do something kind, generous, considerate each day.  And if there is a way, if a higher power ever lets me.. if I get the opportunity.. let me make amends to the child who’s innocence I may have shattered.  Let me create  happiness, forgiveness and joy in other peoples lives.. and by this create the same for myself.  The peace must come from within me.

 

50 years.

Today is my birthday. I am 51 years old. I have now lived over a half century.

I am spending it alone. I don’t mind, I do a little work here and there, contemplate my situation, look to the future and know I need to follow my own path for the remainder of my life. The last week has been spent on a silent journey through my life, my mind, my actions.  A trip down the rabbit hole, as I have heard it termed.  I had held a lot of anger within me for many of these 50 years. Anger at people who hurt and abused me. Anger at myself. Anger that built and consumed me, till it finally busted out and aimed it all back at one poor soul last week.  I thought it would help , and in a strange way it did.  But not at all like I thought it would.

An eye for an eye, revenge, vindictiveness , bitterness, intentional hurt  .. it is not sweet. It does no one any good. I cannot undo the actions I have taken. I take full responsibility.  But not full blame.  The anger is gone, replaced by sadness and a funny peace with myself.  I realise that I alone am responsbile for my life and what happenes within it. If someone hurts me , its becuase i let them. If they abuse me its becuase I failed to stop them. If i am unhappy it is becuase I chose to be that way. My world is my own reality , everyone elses world is theirs. They may not see the world the same as I becuase they have their own beleifs, paths, experiences.

Some of this came to light when my friend, and I will still call him my friend for I do not hate him I actually still like him, sent me a text stating that his son had gotten the email I sent and asked me if I enjoy hurting innocent people.  I thought, what was I.. I was an innocent person, he hurt me.. how could he even ask me or accuse me of something he was guilty of himself.    His reality was obviously different than mine.  In my reality, I was guilty of nothing but loving him and he abused that love. He did not see that by ignoring me, not explaining himself, sending me text saying he was hurting too because of what he was doing, not apologizing for misleading me, caused me a great deal of pain. Did he think that  everything was going to be okay, I would know it was for the best, I would accept and move on.  He should know that he was the reason I was still here in this area, he was the reason that I bought this Triplex, he was the reason I did almost everything I did..  suddenly it dawned on me.  I had done this, I had built my world for him, around him, he never asked me to, I never told him that’s what I was doing.. it was what I had done to myself.  I knew he was married, I have said so several times in this blog.  I knew the truth, I knew it would never work out, I knew he would always go back to his family but I ignored what I knew, I built my fake reality around it working out.  Then I chose to blame him only.  We were both to blame, I was not as innocent as I thought.. actually there was no innocent party in all this. All of us, me, him, his family, my family , my past, his past, their past, everyone’s perceptions of what should and should not be in our lives and who should be able to give it to us, our taking granted of other peoples thoughts and not being totally honest with them or ourselves.. we were all were  guilty of little selfish things that came together at a just the right moment in time  and formed the circumstances that created this event.

I cannot change it, it is in the past and it is now history.  The only thing I have control and can change right now is me.  I can change my habits, my outlook, my beliefs and attitudes. I can  strive to live a better life for myself and those that enter my reality.  I cannot control fate or destiny, but I can control how i react and handle it. I cannot control others thoughts , feelings or percetptions, but I can try to get them to understand mine by being truthful with them and myself. I can let go of the past and the anger and move forward.

50 years have past and I am going to start living my own life .. finally!

 

Not sane yet, maybe just human. Humans are not sane!

Okay, It happened again.. I am not sane.. I am messed up.  Maybe I am just human, I don’t know.. being human is so irrational!

I thought I could handle the emotional mess.. I couldn’t.  It began to get to me this week.  I text’d him,  I got an answer, I got excited, I got let down.. I went crazy!

Let me start somewhere else though.  My oldest daughter graduated college this past weekend and is moving herself to Colorado to live.  I went to the graduation ceremony but my ex was also there. My daughter was stressing out.. which was to be expected considering all she is going thru.. so I bowed out once again and went only to the ceremony, then left and went home. Leaving her and her sister to spend time with their dad.  I thought this was for the best and I am sure it was.. the best for everyone but me. It’s not really what I wanted to do.. drive 3 hours one way, sit in the sun for 3 hours, take a couple pictures and then drive 3 hours home with just a few words with my daughter. I played the martyr again, giving into other peoples wishes and feelings before my own, to keep things smooth. I saw him (my ex) at the reception afterward, didn’t speak to him, sent my other daughter (who atleast did sit with me) over to see him (her father), moved into a corner so he would not see me, felt very awkward and finally  sent a goodbye text to both my daughters and left.

The only thing that made it survivable was a text I had got from my friend the day before.. It was an awkward text but I interpreted it to mean he still cared about me.  Driving home I thought about this and the anger that I had from the whole graduation thing, spilled over.. I realised how alone I was and how I always let others make the decisions for me  and I take a back seat like I am afraid to drive.  Like I was doing with him( my friend) , I was letting or asking him end it without a fight.  So I summed up all my courage and left him a voicemail telling him I wanted him,  needed him and thought there could be a way we could work it out if he felt the same way.  I shook as I left the message and almost called back and recanted it as soon as I hung up. But I didnt.. It was how I felt, It was what I was feeling..  but then I never heard anything back.  I became full of anxiety and regret as the day passed, I barely slept that night, the next morning came.  Now with lack of sleep,not eating,  stress over expressing myself , I quit again.. I sent a text to him to acknowledge defeat. I was hurt, angry at myself, him, my daughter, my ex, the world..  how could this be such a cruel place.  I wandered thru the day, went to the lake with a friend, cried, drove, felt sorry for myself, built up more anger and came home and unleashed it all.. in an email to his wife..  after all wasn’t she the problem!

Again, the bag of Cookies.  I ate them  all and then blamed the cookie maker for making me fat.   I was irrational, uncontrollable, childish, implusive, I was a crazy human! I didn’t even understand me.. or my motives, it just seemed like the best way to unload all the pain  at the time .  It made me feel better for about an hour, then I realised what I did.. I hurt someone else to make myself feel better.. I shared the misery. Misery does love company, its true.  So I got up this morning and sent a heart felt apology.. again, it may have made matters worse,  like trying to throw up the whole bag of cookies after you ate them, but the guilt was overwhelming and I had to make amends for the cruelty I expressed last night.  I only apologized to her.. not him.. I still love him which is really sad.   He gave me the bag of cookies, he knew I wanted them, he knew i would eat them all in a sitting, he was the catalyst for my actions  so he needs to take some responsibility the the outcome.

I do not regret today what I have done, like I did the last time I sent her a text message back in August 2008.   The truth is there, it should not be hidden. Truth should never be hidden, that is what makes it into deceit. And living a deceitful life is torturess. There is far too much of that in the world today. Hiding the truth is telling a lie, even worse than a lie because when it is found out, it is even more painful that someone tried to hide things from you. And you always get caught.

I need to really start over now. I am ready.   I have put my triplex on the market, I don’t want the responsibility or the stress of owning anything but my car, clothes and self.   I am seriously considering taking a short sabbatical without work and driving across the country to the west.  I have always wanted to do this but never had the guts before.   I have applied to Americorps and may also try the peace corps to work with people in poverty. Since I grew up in poverty, I can relate to their situation.  And maybe if I can find one child, one youth I can help it will be worth it.  Now that my children are grown, I need to find a new meaning to my life. I have to believe that there is more to the rest of my life than waking up each day, going to work at the same job, coming home to the same house, watching TV about other peoples lives, then going to bed each night to wake up and do it all over again the next day.  I obviously am a failure at the “love/soulmate “thing so god has a new path for me somewhere.  I just got to find it.. on my own!

 

Its been a month! Sanity within reach?

Wow!  I wonder if I am weaning myself off blogging.. I dont think I have quite reached that level of sanity yet!

My life is always full of ups,downs, dramas and overall upheaval. It seems it has always been that way. I was born into it , I grew up in it, and when it waasnt around, I tried to create it.  But everytime I think I am weary of it, it comes back to revive me. I think I am now learning to redirect it and try to make it productive.. I mean if its part of your life, it might as well be constructive in some way.

The “thing” with my friend took its course around the track of life.  It is funny how you know stuff and yet you refuse to accept it. Like you know eating a bag of cookies is going to make you fat, but you eat them anyway cause they taste good. Who’s to blame, the cookies or you?  And when you fall in love with a married man, you know it only has about a 1% chance of working out.  But even with those odds, you take the gamble and you put your whole heart down because if you win, the payoff could be really big.  But odds this long always beat you.  Who’s to blame? You knew the risk. You knew the odds. You knew the consequences! You act all brave, shrug your shoulders, act like it doesn’t mean anything but damn it hurt.. it hurt like hell..but you have to accept responsibility for your action.  Okay, you may also spend several nights alone in your house with sad music , getting drunk and crying your eyes out! The pain will take awhile to subside. You learned your limit with gambling.. next time youfind yourself falling into love ( a gamble in itself) you will make a wiser choice with better odds. But I AM NOT GOING LOOKING FOR IT! I am staying away from that track for a while.

I am sitting at the table of solitaire for a while and play by myself to see how many times I can win against myself.  I have made some decisions. I am not going to run, I am going to stay and face my destiny and what I cant find, I will create and work for.  There is something within me that will survive and if I make wise choices, I will grow and become the whole person..the sane person I know I can be.  Okay, not too sane, I kinda enjoy being”nutty” every so often. The world is a lot funner place when you can be a little nutty and not care!

 

Growing Trust

The seed is internal

protected by a hard outer shell

that will not break and cannot be penetrated by ordinary means.

The seed must be planted deep in the soil

Nutured and loved

watered, fertilized and cared for on a regular basis.

Some seeds will sprout quickly,

others will take longer to creep from the safety of the shell

and some that have been encased in an extremely hardened shell

may never emerge .

You cannot take the delicate seedling for granted.

It too must be cared for in the gentlest of manners

For it is frail and weak

susceptible to disease, sudden temperature changes and lack of nutrients.

Once it has been neglected for even a small amount of time

the damage is unrepairable

the young tender plant will wilt and bury itself back in the soil.

The plant if properly cared and nutured t

 loved and understood

will produce  huge, fragrant, beautiful flowers that will endure

 the harshest cold of winters 

and the severest droughts of summer.

 

Games, lies, deceit and salvation

Since I was a child I have hated games.  Not the red light..  green light kind of games that you play in the front yard or softball, but games that are mind games.. Monopoly, chess, and  especially the mind games people play with each other. I suck at them!  I don’t know what it is about these games,but I lose every time. I don’t have the stamina or wiles to keep it up for a long time or I get bored and just give up.   Quite possibly it is because  it involves deceit,  lying and secrecy.  None of which are my strong suits. I just say things how they are and how I see them.  I  say things I shouldn’t and sometimes before I should but that’s who I am.   People tell me I need to learn to keep my mouth shut and just ignore things or “go with the flow” even if I disagree or think what is happening  is wrong.  Other people take the things I say “way” out of context and twist them to fit their agenda.  And some people even interprete my words as flirting.

But this is unfortunately what our world has come to.. a whole lot of game and word playing.  You have to watch everything you say, how you say it, when you say it and who you say it to.  You have to outwit, outlast and outplay other people almost everyday to survive.

I used to think it was just politicians distroting the words and practicing deception… and that may have been where it started…. but now it has spilled over into peoples  every day life.  We are  cynical and careful .. always suspicious of everyone and every thing. We watch for the hint of  deceit or dishonesty in our daily lives and our dealings with other folks, certain that it is there somewhere.  We are careful not to say what we feel or really think because we maybe misunderstood and misinterpreted.  We carefully disect sentences, speech patterns and  words looking for the evil intent behind them. We trust no one and no one trusts us.  “If it seems to good to be true.. it usually is”  is what we  teach our children.

When did this happen?

When did we stop taking honesty for granted and replace it with doubt and fear of being hurt, used or taken advantage of?  When did good deeds stop paying off and trying to help your neighbor get turned away because you may want something from them later.

It’s games, mind games. We seem to live in a world filled with people who lie , cheat , deceive and steal.. our governments, our employers, our police.. and the more populated the world becomes the more distrustful and isolated it appears to become.  Now with the economy in a downturn, it has come to the surface. It is revealing itself. Its no longer hiding,the facts.. the truth.. the fear …  is out and we are all running scared not knowing where to turn.  We are locking ourselves in our houses with guns , just waiting for the revolt to happen and the bomb to burst open.

Maybe the bomb  will  burst open but maybe… just maybe we can save ourselves before it happens. But it will take a consorted effort. It will take people coming clean and learning to lean on each other again. It will take sharing, supporting, tenderness, caring, and most of all TRUTH and BELIEF in your neighbor, a stranger  and in yourself. It will take throwing away the old rules to the game, and using your heart instead of your brain to control people with out rules ar expectations. It will take a whole lot of work.. but we can do it.. together we can do it.. for us, for our children.. for our childrens children and for the salvation of the world.

I am not a religious person, but I do beleive in mankind, in love, in openness and in truth. I beleive that to make the world a better place, we must stop the games and open our hearts without expectation  to each other.  Lets play Red Light, Green light and Tag in the front yard again!

 

Flying and Falling

Lately I have been trying to push my own boundries  and stretch my limits. I don’t remember what exactly triggered the revelation, but one day I woke up and decided that I have to be able to accept me as I am and love that person. No one was going to do that for me or create  my perfect world without me first defining myself and my role in that world.

Now I should confess I lied because I do know what triggered it.  I had been seeing my friend again and we naturally had eventually become intimate.  I knew it would happen, I wanted it to happen. He makes me feel better and more comfortable than anyone ever has in my life. He makes me fly. I faced the fact long ago that I love him, regardless of whether he loves me.  But becoming intimate again scared me,  it makes me realise that I am flying and in this relationship  falling to the ground is a huge probablity.  He has never lied to me, he told me he was married from the start, he never said it was a bad marriage, his words were “it is what it is” . But he stuck by me when others ran, when I was going thru some of the hardest most emotional and pyscological times in my life. He put up with my roller coaster  ups and downs and never called me crazy. He came when I asked him not to…  to help and comfort me.  He helped me find and fix up this place , which has been and will continue to be a great asset to me financially. He came back even after I confessed to his wife our affair.  He has supported my decisions, given me advice, called my bluff when I start to play games,  respected me in many ways that other people in my life have not. How could I not love him?  And I have to ask myself, who would put up with all my crap if they did not care about me too?  A piece of Ass is not worth the amount of trouble I have been unless there is an emotional attachment as well.

But the higher you fly, the farther you will eventually fall… and I am not quite strong enough to take that fall.  And the only way I will be able to cushion that type of  blow would be to fly solo for a while.. to learn to love me as much as I love him..or my children.  So here I am flapping my wings as hard as I can, trying to get elevation. And damn it’s hard when there is no one around to coast along behind.

You are the lead duck, and the middle duck and the one in the rear resting on the winddraft.  And as far as direction, shit, sometimes you find yourself flying in circles not knowing whether you are headed north,south,east or west but knowing you have to keep trying to get somewhere warm, sunny  and comfortable to land.  And you began to realise things about yourself. That sometimes you like solitude, sometimes you hate it but you have to decide the  right amounts for you. When you wake in the night with an incredible longing feeling, you learn to take care of yourself or take a long walk to get rid of the built up frustration. You learn those things that you put off for so long, don’t really take that much time to do  or actually you knew they wouldnt and thats why you put them off.  And all that stuff you thought was important, is not as important as a good cry or laugh with yourself. And a clean house is just that.. a clean house.. it doesn’t make it a happier place or a sadder place.. just a cleaner place.  You have so much time on your hands, you have to manage it better to prevent yourself from going crazy.  And when you have so much time on your hands, you find sleeping takes up a lot of it!

Some people tell me that they envy me in my position because I can do what ever I want, when ever I want.. So I asked them. “What would you do if you were in my position?”  Their answer ” I dont know”!   Ha.. exactly!   It is not fun or easy learning to be alone and dependent only on yourself and like the company you are with..never sure if there will ever be anyone else again to share it with you!  I sure hope I find out I am worth all this effort .  Falling in then out of love with yourself would really SUCK!

 

A damn story

Once about a time there was a small beautiful valley with a strong river that ran through the middle. Man came and wanted to settle the area but were afraid of problems the river may cause to settlers. So they built a damn up stream to protect the valley.  The first summer after the damn was completed , a large storm challenged the valley and the river swelled over its banks. But the damn was built strong and held back the water from the settlement. The towns people sighed relief and said” We built a strong damn, it will withstand anything.” As the years went by the damn continued to withhold the forces of the river. The townspeople continued to praise it when the rough winds and rain came. They called it a survivor, and marveled at how strong it was built.  It was a strong damn and because it never appeared to be in need of repair on the surface, the people became neglectful and took the damn for granted.  What the people didn’t see was what was going on below the surface of the water.

Below the surface, the damn was beginning to give way. It was in serious need of attention and repair. It longed for its support beams to be reinforced and the mortar in its joints to mended and cared for. It was beginning to feel the heavy weight of the water on its back wall and small cracks were allowing water to seep though. It would sigh gently and brace itself for the next storm, wondering if it could hold out and always managing to handle the heavy load.  It had no voice and could not speak, so it could not tell the people of the valley that it was weak and they had relied on it for way to long to protect and support them.  Besides it’s pride stood in the way, it had always been there for every one elses support, they counted on the damn and it could not allow them to see that it was damaged.

One night a boy was sitting by the damn, fishing, with his radio on  when a warning came over the radio speaker. The warning was about a storm, a large storm, the largest storm the valley had experienced in a long time was headed into the valley.  The impending weather was compared to the storm that hit the valley several years ago when the damn was young and still in its prime, resilent and strong.  The damn heard the story and braced itself. It knew deep down to its foundation, it would not be able to survive a storm of that magnitude.

 It knew it had lived a long life, it had done its job, it had protected the people that had counted on it and withheld the river for as long as it could. It knew it had stood strong even in the face of neglect and abuse, it gave of its self  until it could give no more.  But it was no longer strong, it was no longer a survivor, it let down its pride and finally relaxed against the current.  The small cracks in its foundation began to loosen up and slowly expand giving way to the water slowly and peacefully. Then the damn did something surprising , it let out a long tired moan, a moan that could be heard into the town below.

The townspeople upon hearing the moan, looked at each other in puzzlement. ”What was that noise?” they asked each other in wonder! Not having an answer to give,  they went back about their daily business concentrating on their own lives, not even giving a concerned thought about the damn. After all the damn had always been there, it was a survivor.

That afternoon, the storm came and people ran for the comfort of their houses as the rain began to pelt down on the town. The old timers declared ”Its going to be a bad one, good thing the damn is so strong”  The younger town people didn’t even think about the damn, it had always been  a part of their lives and they assumed it always would. The new people in town didnt know how long the damn had withehld the river without repair, they assumed it was strong.  Only the damn knew its cracks were expanding, showing its weakness now above the water line. It moaned again, this time louder , taking final comfort with its short lived future.  It knew there was nothing it could do or wanted to do any longer to protect the comfortable lives of the people.  And with that thought, it gave way to the rising water pushing on it.

The towns people were taken by surprise as the waters came spilling down the valley. They quickly gathered what belonging  they could and climbed on their roofs  to escape the water the damn had always held back.  They lost their homes, their material belongings, their security and their comfortable lifestyle in a single day.  At first they blamed the damn. How could it have given way, it was built to be a survivor, it was always suppose to be there to love and protect them.  But as days went by the the flood waters resided, the people went back to town and saw the stones from the damn that had washed down into the town.  They were amazed by the eroded stones that had been hidden below the rivers surface and realised that the damn had survived long past its prime and had tried its best to be there for them as long as it could.  They finally admitted that they were to blame. They had not fortified the damn, they had not provided back to the damn the protection and security it had given them. They had become selfish and self absorbed in the comfort of their own lives.  They hung their heads in shame and slowly began to pick up the stones to keep and remind them of their mistake in the future.

The moral of this story is..

Whether it is a damn, a country or a person.. we must realise that although they appear strong on the outside, they maybe crumbling on the inside and the next big storm could be the last.  Everything and everyone needs love, respect, sacrifice and care to endure and survive.  You cannot count on them to support you unless they can count on you for the same.   Think about this next time you say someone or something is a “survivor”!  Nothing survives on their own!