Walking on Land

This last week I  diverge into something that made me think alot about where I am in my life and what I need to focus on from this point on. 

I started this blog  to talk to myself about what I was thinking and try to process it.  I started writing it well into my journey, it was my way of trying to cope, trying to understand what in the hell was happening to me. There were times I felt like I was someone outside looking into my life.. it wasnt real, it was someones elses mess. 

 I had finally left my marriage, the Divorce had been finalized in record time.   My children were upset with and not communicating with me.  My  friends I had during the marriage had stepped aside not wanting to get involved in the ugliness of a divorce.  My closest family was 4 states away.  I had moved from a upper middle class neighborhood into a foreclosed beat up house in the blue collar neighborhood of the nearest town.  The economy was going south fast and I wasn’t sure how long it would be before my former employers began to feel the pinch , I knew they had budget problems already. My boss who had asked  inappropriate things of  me when seperated from his wife, now was treating me like trash, the mental health counselor provided by my employers wellness plan had up and quit.  The only person that was there for me was my  friend and lover.  Then my friends wife sent me the email and I confessed, he left too.. Even my dog up and died on me.. I felt so friggin alone!  All I could think was.. what in the hell have I done with my life? How in the hell did it get to this point?  Where am I going to go from here?  How in the hell did I fuck it up so damn bad!  If there was a GOD, he had left me.  And if he did exist why didn’t he send someone along and put me out of my misery..please?  The week after I started writing I finally checked myself into a treatment center..unable to travel the journey by myself. 

Spring forth to this week.  I was alittle bored one day, and decided to click on the links provided below my blog to other blog recommended as possibly similiar sites.  I found a blog that I thought was somewhat bizarre– it was the blog of a cheating spouse. Now since I had been in this situation.. I read. What I read somewhat appalled me.  This was not the blog of a very nice person. Not only had this person cheated, he was secretly keeping the blog, talking about his spouse in horrible terms, his mistress in horrible terms.. said he felt no remorse and loved to use what he called”the shock factor of vulgar language and astute observations of females” , But what appalled me more was that women were reading it and trying to relate his words to the circumstances in their lives.  Trying to fit either themselves, if they cheated or were mistresses  or their husbands in the context of his words.  He told one women that maybe she should consider evening the score..going tit for tat and having an affair of her own.  I beleive, no I know , they did not like what I had to say.  I thought he was a PIG!  But in reading it and then subsequently another blog of a women who was trashing my comments, I came to realise that one of the reasons I didnt like these blogs is because they kept re-hashing the same old stuff over and over.. nothing changed.. no one really moved on.. These people seemed to live in a world of misery and enjoy it. As the person writing the main blog said..” I have  resigned myself to a life of unhappiness”   They were caught in spirals. 

 And then I looked at where I am.

  I am in a whole new place.  I have a new life. My ex is out of my life for good.. I have finally even got the credit bureaus to take that old martial  mortgage thats in his name off my credit reports.  My children are now more my friends and our relationship will hopefully be better and based on a healthier understanding and acceptance of each other.  My brothers ,sisters and I have become closer than we have been for 20 years.   I have new friends, I am not alone unless I choose to be.. and sometimes I do choose to be because its comfortable to just sit by myself and do what I want.  I go out and enjoy myself and have found renewed interest in things I enjoyed before my marriage.  I own a nice triplex now that I fixed it up and it helps me afford to invest in different things. Money is not a worry.   My unhealthy affair has ended and although I will always love him each day I think less and less about him . We are both where we should be .  I no longer wake filled with fear.. I wake and think of what I want to accomplish for myself.  I have dreams I want to work towards. Building my  house on the lake, getting a boat.owning  my own full time business rather than a full time job with a part time business. .. 

I am at peace with myself more than I have been in years, each day is not consumed  with anxiety but with anticipation about what today might develop.. heck even today my new boss bought me a new calculator for my office.. didnt ask for it.. he just thought I would like a better one.  A small gesture but a kind gesture none the less. 

This morning I heard a song on the Radio on the way to work  , the line I remember was ” I never want to feel like I did that day again” .. How very true it was for me.  I blogged on-line,  not for the public, not for the benefit or feedback from others, haven’t killed any trees writing it..but it was always for myself, my journal, my diary.

.  I think it is time for me to walk the land so this is my last post on this blog.  Perhaps I will start another.. maybe not!  Maybe I have more productive things for me to concentrate on now.

 

Self Centered– wow–is that a bad thing?

Main Entry: self–cen·tered

Pronunciation: \-ˈsen-tərd\

Function: adjective

Date: circa 1764

1 : independent of outside force or influence : self-sufficient
2 : concerned solely with one’s own desires, needs, or interests

Someone called me self centered today– I laughed. Then I applauded myself. After years of beating myself up, blaming myself for every last thing that has gone astray in my life ,  putting other peoples feeling’s and needs before my own,  raising 2 children and at times being the sole supporter of the family, quitting good jobs that would have allowed me to have a career  to follow my ex-husband around the country in his pursuit of jobs, supporting my mother when her welfare ran out even though it meant I had to live without, inviting my father back into my life after he molested me and allowed my step mother to beat me, even asking him to give me away at my wedding. Having guilt over every last thing I did, apologizing profusely to everyone , even offering to pay my ex lovers son’s  college education if he would forgive me for making his life a living hell after my email to his wife was shown to his son.. …. Maybe I have moved forward.

18 months ago my former friend and lover told me I was the most self sacrificing person he had ever met and I should stick up and quit apologizing for myself.   Today..  I am more self sufficient and more self “centered” .  I admit I like being “centered” rather than “Sacrificing”.   And why shouldn’t I ?  I am single, I live alone and have  no one to answer to but myself, I work hard and have a good job, make decent money, have money in the bank that is growing.. have two great daughters that I help with college (of course they are make the grades and do the work, I am financing only), good friends,  I live inexpensively and don’t need or want a lot in my life..  Why shouldn’t I be self centered?  Does watching out for myself and my own well being mean I am a bad person.. NO.. not at all.

Perhaps she meant I was not sympathetic.. I admit sometimes I am not.. sometimes sympathy is just fuel in a victims attitudes fire.. I know I fed off it.. my own self pity was the best fuel.  It all depends on the case at hand.. if you loose your job in todays economy, I will be there to try to help find a new one,  people who have unforseen tragedy in their life..it tears me apart to hear of it.  I want to be there for them how ever I can.   Show me a child or an animal that is being abused and beaten, I will rile in an instant . But show me someone that year after year, time after time, does nothing to better their situation but whine over it.. I am sorry.. I have been there.. it did me no good.. it will not help them either.  .  I have a friend, he said to me this summer, he likes to help people if he feels they are trying to help themselves but when they sit there and watch him while he does their work.. he’s over it.  It made perfect sense to me.

I have another friend who after 2 divorces said ” I have figured it out.. no one is going to take better care of me than me! “  Call it self centered but she was right. Does this mean I dont care about other people.. no I care. I care about people close to me,  my family, my friends, my coworkers, my customers who I have grown to know, people in my community who are trying to do their best to get by..  I would do anything with in my power to help them but I am not going to let their troubles, their attitudes, their views, prejudices and conflicts have a great influence on me.. because I am also learning to care and respect me.  I have learned that I cannot help anyone else until I help myself .. What was that old saying oh yeah “God helps them that help themselves” .

 

I am debating this marriage thing..

For a long time when I was young I was told that you grow up, you get married and you live happily ever after… I am wondering if this is a myth like don’t swim within an hour of eating, or dont go outside in cold weather or you will get sick!  I always thought that it was the way life was suppose to go.. you find your dream man(or woman) your soul mate, you have children and life is blissful.. it was the answer to every little girls prayers , hopes and dreams.  Or so I ( and countless other women) were taught to think. Now I am not so sure this marriage thing is the right answer.

 It is not just my life I base this theory on.. it is countless other lives and people I have met or observed.  The other day I was walking in the park , as I often do on nice days, and in front of me was a young couple with a baby carriage.  As I came up from behind them, I thought..Ahh to be young and in love with that first child out strolling on a beautiful fall day. Then I got closer. tThe couple was cussing at each other over the baby.. or really she was cussing at him.. him was pushing the stroller. She then grabbed the stroller from him , sat down on a bench and screamed at him. He grapped a back pack off the stroller , cussed at her and walked away.  No one said anything to the child in the stroller who was looking on with fear!  This is not the first time I witnessed a scene like this, similiar things happened in my own marraige.  I have met countless men and women with tales of bad marriages ,some with children, some with out.  I have met couples who share a house as a married couple but she lives on one end, he lives on the other and they barely speak.  I have met men cheating on their wives  and single men who have had affairs with married women.  I have read about both in the news.  Some are rich, some are poor, some are middle class.. all are unhappy .  I have met people who seemed so happy and in love and then ten years later barely able to tolerate the presence of the other.  So what is this marraige thing?

Is it to give legitimacy to the birth of children? If so, give the birth and split before you scar them with your anger, hatred and fighting!  Is it because we are told that is what will make us respectable adults?  If so, dont cheat because then you disrespect yourself, your spouse and the person you cheat with.. three times the harm  and no one respect you!   Is it becuase we are in love?  What is love and does love last forever or is it meant to be shared , given and bestowed upon many people during our lifetimes. Can love burn out if held too long? Were we really meant to find just one person , usually in our twenties it seems, that we were meant to be with the rest of our lives.  Do people change and grow in different directions over time and their love fade away?

What is everyones view on marraige? is it the same?  My view was that a marraige should be two people who love and care for each other enough to keep romance, sex, longing and respect alive and in balance. My ex husband told me my view was a fairy tale.. marriage was a partnership like a business.  Why did we not know that we were so different before we got married.  And how many other people make this same mistake?

Now on the other hand I have seen some marraiges that stand the test of time.  I have to admit, there are much fewer of these sitings.  Couples that you can tell when they look at each other, they love each other becuase their eyes twinkle so brightly. Couples that even as they grow older, he knows that she wants flowers even when she says “dont get me anything”  or she knows that he will look at her with love and appreciation when she puts his favorite dish in front of him on the table becuase she made it just for him even though she is allergic to it.   How did these people do it? How did they find each other? What was the magic formula?  how do you know it will work out? 

I cant let myself give up on this thought. Maybe marriage is a fairytale.. but maybe love can still happen. I know I am not rushing into a marriage again. I might not ever get married again.. I am not sure I want to take that path … but somewhere out there is someone .. someone who will bring that twinkle to my eye and keep it there.  I feel that in my heart!

So

 

I love the Moon, and the Moon loves me

and I am really okay with that! This has been a great week so far.

This weekend I had a break through. I allowed myself to feel and express anger again for the first time in several months. It was over a silly $20 coupon a grocery store sent me that turned out to take most of my day Sunday and another hour on Tuesday to get redeemed! But to me, it was an Earth shaking, thunder roaring, football player slap on the rear go get em, I am okay and I am allowed moment! It was when I realised that to get frustrated, feel anger and express it constructively and calmly was okay for me to do! And I can still love and respect myself afterward. The key is loving and respecting myself and calmly and constructively using my actions for the right cause and at the proper time!

Now this may seem to most people like a “duh” moment but  I am not most people. 6 months ago when my anger grabbed hold of me and consumed me, I acted irrationally and hurtful and it scared me. It scared me because the anger, frustration, bitterness and rage inside me was so powerful it out devoured my rational thought and then the ashes that were  left behind filled me with deep guilt and fear of it happening again. So this $20 coupon was sent to me for a reason, and it went far beyond the monetary value.  It redeemed some faith and trust in myself.  It allowed me to face a fear and overcome and forgive myself. It was an amazing little coupon!

Being able to forgive yourself is so important.. it is as important, if not more important  as forgiving other people. Other people will come and go in your life but you will always left living with yourself. Therefore this must also lead one to another “duh” thought.. if you will always be left at the end of each day with yourself..shouldnt you love you more than anyone else! Heck yes.. DUHHHH!  Why has this taken me 51 + years to realise?

So this week I have taken a new approach to life. I wake each morning and look in the miorror and tell myself ” I am great”. It is a little awkward and almost a struggle but then again so is walking when you first start. Sometimes I find myself tripping over my own words and adding a negative affirmation such as  “even if you are… ” and I stop, back up and say “I am great” this time I add a positive by saying “because you are … “  Then when i listen to the radio on the way to work and I hear a love song.. I substitute myself in the place off the you in the song.  For example if the song says  “you make me so very happy”  why does it have to be someone outside of yourself.. why cant I make me so very happy.  Well guess what I can!  And I do and I will continue to.. becuase it feels good to be in love with myself!

So tonight I went outside and looked up at the moon bright in the sky illuminating the earth below my feet and I told it I loved it. You know what the moon told me? It said “Ditto girl, It is your light reflecting off me that is making the earth around you so bright!

I liked that!

 

If you love someone…

..sometimes it means  you have to set them free. An old adage but it holds true today.  There comes a time when loving someone means setting them free to live their own life.  This happens naturally with your children, you watch over them and care for them, try to raise them into decent people till they are grown then you have to set them free to live their own lives.  As much as it hurts it is the natural course of action with children.   But there are also other people that come into your life, you love them and then the love  ember slowly dies, and no matter how much you blow on the coals the fire never comes back. This happens with a divorce.  The there are those people you love with all your heart, you love them so badly it hurts! It tears apart your heart and soul as you realise that the best thing for both of you is to part ways and live your seperate lives.  It happens because you just loved too deeply and the timing was just not right.

It takes a lot of courage to say goodbye, its not an easy task and not everyone can do it. I have met people who just can’t seem to let go of their children’s lives, many of these same people, not surprisingly , are in marriages where the embers went out along time ago and the children are the only thread left binding them together.

This past two years I reached the perfect trifecto. I had to  set my children free to live their own lives. I let my marriage go because it was time to acknowledge the death of that relationship. And then I had to set my friend and lover free to live his own life before the flames devoured us both. It all hurts.. sometimes so badly I cant stand it.

I now have just myself and that’s probably all really all I need right now because  I need to bring myself back to me to love!

 

Who do I try to fool?

I act so nonchalant like it doesn’t bother me.  I act all tough like I can take what ever the world throws at me. I act like its a joke,  laughing  like I really don’t care and make myself into the fool.  I act haughty and proud, walking with my head high and my heart below my feet, trodding on it as I take each step.  I act because it is what I feel people expect me to do. Because I have been conditioned to not not share what may be offensive to others.

The truth is I am hurting. My heart is broken. I am alone. There is no one to hear my sobs or feel the wetness of my tears. There is no one to answer my questions because I don’t ask them of anyone else. There is no one to ease my pain or hold me till I feel better. I try to find solice or answers in myself but sometimes I can’t find any or take the blame on myself because there is no one else and I don’t want anyone else to feel like I do. But I don’t want to feel this way either.. Can’t someone see that?  Can’t people see I am acting?  Am I really that good at it?  Or do they see and just ignore it because it makes them uncomfortable, or they just dont care or is it because I always manage to survive..somehow… someway.. I fight through and go on.

I bite down hard on my lip, kick myself in the shin till it bruises, whip myself a few deep lashes on the back, pay my penance for my sins like a good catholic. I take the blame, I did something wrong, I was stupid, they were right, they were okay. I forgive them.  I am the ultimate martyr!

Who am I fooling? only myself!

What do I want.. I want them to see they hurt me.  I want them to apologize, to say they were wrong.. they screwed me over.. they played with my feelings, my emotions, my head, my body .. and I want them to tell me why!  I want them to admit  they abused me.. they took advantage of me.. they saw the weakness, the frailty and like leaches, they sucked the soul till till I was dry, then they blamed me for not having enough to satisfy their eternal craving.

I was a good daughter.. I tried to please my mother, I tried to make her love me.. but there was never a way to do that. Alcohol was her love.. nothing more.

I was a good mother. I gave everything I had or could think of to my children. I made sure they were well taken care of, I kept them healthy, I tried to teach them the right things, I made sure they were not looked down upon, I protected them from harm. I made a few mistakes I couldn’t catch it all but , damn am I not allowed to be human too.

I was a good wife. I supported my husband the best I could through many hard times. I took care of the house, the finances, the repairs, the children, the shopping, the moves from state to state chasing his new jobs after he lost the last one.  For 22 years I never cheated ..even after the passion, the fondness and intimacy had long ago died.  I remained faithful until the  love,  affection and sexual closeness I was so starved for could no longer be held back. Even then I filed a divorce before I could act on it.

I was a good girlfriend and lover. I loved him  even though he was married and went home to another woman each night. I never cheated on him.. I went out with a few  other men trying to stop the hurt but I felt bad about it and never became intimate with anyone, not even a kiss. Something he could not probably claim on his own.

I was a good worker and employee. Did I deserve to be dumped on and taken advantage of by male bosses who thought it was okay to ask things of me that they would not have asked of other women in the office.

I am tired!  I am tired of carrying the emotional load, the guilt, the trodding of my own feet on my back. People say that I must forgive to get past it, forgive them in order to forgive myself. I am trying.. but it is hard.  And I am frightened.. frightened that it will happen again, I will just keep repeating my actions, my sacrificing until there is nothing left of myself.  how do you become selfish about yourself? How do you learn to stop acting and start living?  Hollywood has nothing on me!

 

Craziness, Guilt and “the other woman”

Another headline hit about the “the other woman” the poor innocent wife and the cheating man. I have no idea whether there is just more of this around or whether I just notice these stories more because they hit so close to my home, heart and guilt.  But I do notice them and they send me in a tail spin each time I read or listen to one of these stories.  If you have followed my blog, you will understand why. I was the “other  woman” and believe me, it is not a pleasant position to be in.

You do not set out to be “the  other woman” the husband stealer” the hussy” “the easy lay” “the whore” or any of the other names elegantly bestowed on you by society.  No.. you just fall in love with another person..unfortunately that person happens to be married.  Sometimes you dont know until it’s too late, sometimes you know and try to fight it as hard as you can but the feelings come anyway. It usually was not a planned action, you did not intentionally set out to hurt someone, actually the person that usually gets hurt the worst is you! You get hurt because you love a person that you know will probably not leave the financial security of his married life, a person that does not want to hurt his spouse or family even if he loves you (in the end you are much easier to hurt than the family), a person you know is much riskier to your mental health than any ordinary love.. but you love him despite the knowledge of all this.  You live with the guilt that if he can over come all these things and leave them to be with you, then you will be the cause for a family break up and another persons heart being broken. It is a damn if you do , damn if you dont scenario. You know deep in your heart you are going to lose no matter what! but god you love him and so you continue!   And no one seems to understand that you are inner conflict and turmoil the whole time. Your inner voices constantly fighting within you, battling out what is right and what is wrong . Your brain and your heart rip each other apart until you almost go crazy .. so you do something stupid or desperate.in an effort to stop the battle and get resolution to the conflict. .and it all blows up around you.  Like the young girl in the latest scandal.

I understand what she is going through.. I have been there. Guilt is a powerful emotion..love is a powerful emotion.. hurt is a powerful emotion.. and we are only human.  Pile this all on top of other daily strife and past skeletons and it is the thing movies are made from.  Only this is not on film, this is someones life. Believe me they will live in shame  all on their own and it will hurt for a long time.  As outsiders, you should try to understand, not judge, not condemn. You never know what your future holds,  one day it could happen to you.  I never believed it would happen to me, but it did.

 

On-line dating yucks

I hate meeting people on-line.. it is such a meat market of preverts and weirdos– that guy I was so worried about meeting.. thought that in the picture I sent him ..I was blonde… he thought  my daughter was me! yewwww!

what is that 7-8 guys i have met on-line, on different sites and they were all trash!

Is it just me..do i attract these weirdos or are there any decent people left out there?

 

A gray day!

Today was a grey day.. not only was the sky grey, and overcast but my mood also.   I dont think I could live in Seattle or Portland, I am too susceptible to this weather thing! Actually it was not so much the grey of day that got to me as the the grey in me. You see I met a guy.. well not really yet. I had met him on line a while  back and nothing ever happened but for the last month or so we have been talking again. We have never met face to face,  I have never even seen a picture of him.. but we email back and forth and seem to get along and have stuff in common. He would like to meet, or at least he has asked to have a cup of coffee but I have been reluctant. Not sure I want to put myself in that spot again.. I am not sure I am quite over the hurt I suffered with my friend.. actually I know I am not. Yet the other day, I woke in the middle of the night and something said”you must move on”  so I thought I should listen to my inner voice. In an email this morning, I finally gave him my phone #.  And then began the day from hell ..inner hell, doubt and anxiety. by the end of the day, I was in Krogers with tears in my eyes as I heard a song play over the intercom that reminded me of my friend and the hurt and feelings I had.. And my inner voice said–”  you dont want to go there again!” my outer voice said.. “you cant handle it”  .. and my heart hurt .. alittle from the memory and alittle becuase the new guy never called.

Its a funny feeling.. I wish I knew if I will ever be able to handle another relationship again.. in some ways I want one, in other ways, they scare the bageebbers out of me. Having my heart hurt is not in my top ten list.. I dont think it even breaks the top 1000 list of my favorite things to do and experience! Relationships and emotions are such a grey area.. I am so much better wired for Black and White!

 

No complaints

Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I have reached a point where life has settled down. I actually have nothing I can think of to complain about.  It was an incredible feeling when I realized this a few weeks back.

Is everything perfect and exactly how I want and dreamed it to be.. NO.

I still live in a small 1 bedroom apartment with renters above and beside me.. but I have a roof over my head (although it still leaks in a bad rain storm), a bed to sleep in every night food in the frig and the renters pay the mortgage.. so what’s so bad about this?

I have a new job that is within 5 minutes from my place.. and it seems to be a good fit for me. Got a small raise, better health insurance , spending less on gas and increased contribution to my retirement account with the job!

I joined a gym and try to exercise everyday to help keep healthy and in shape. My years maybe 51 but I don’t have to let my body or mind be that age!

I bought a little used truck to help me in my business.. Green of course! Always wanted a truck., they are so practical and there is something about driving a truck that makes me feel good.

I have money in the bank in case of an emergency.. and started investing again in different things.

My children are safe and finding a bit more stability in their lives.  I am letting go of them. They must walk their own tight wire, learn to steady themselves when they start to slip  and gain their own confidence.  My job now is to stay a safety net far below, just in case they do fall.

I am finally finding direction in my life.. and figuring out my life purpose. Although I have found a new job, it is not what I really want to do with my life. I beieve there is a purpose behind what I have been through in my life and I think I am beginning to see it as the fog is lifting. I am working on a new business idea, slowly!

I have met some new girlfriends and begun to have a social life. That really helps in finding more to do with your time besides feel sorry for yourself.

And I figured out that until I find and am happy with myself I have no room for a relationship with a man.  Although I miss the company of my friend still, I am better alone for now. Actually I have begun to enjoy my freedom and being on my own without any responsibility to anyone but myself.

I guess you could say that was a lesson learned the hard way.. what I did to my friend was not good, decent or my place to do. I hurt another human being, actually more than one and for that I have a lot of regret and remorse. It is hard to admit that the evil that you see in other people can exist in you as well if you let it. I don’t plan on letting it happen again.

Other lessons learned:

When you are in one of life’s  crazy periods, it seem’s that every other person that is also in a crazy period sets their radar on you. They come out of the woodwork like termites on a brand new board!  Beware…they will try to pull you into their crazy world and some of them like living there and like the company!

Life will go on.. no matter what happens.. but it is up to you to deal with your past .  You cannot ignore it.. it will not go away.. so no matter how horrible it is.. bring it out, talk or write about it ( there are people who will understand).. hold a memorial service then let it go gently and peacefully to its own grave.

Spend time alone with yourself, take walks ,  study the trees and see how nature revives itself, you are part of nature. Remember that  even though you stand alone as an individual with your own scars and branches, there are other trees that protect you, an earth that keeps you grounded and the sun which will eventually come out to strengthen you.  But none of us lasts forever so reach for the sun when ever it comes out .spread your branches out as far as you dare and shake your leaves in the breeze.  There is nothing more revered and admired  than a big healthy tree full of life. People will flock to your shade in the summer, envy your colors in the fall  and appreciate your protection in the winter.

Learn to set your boundries for what you will tolerate and want you wont, and verbalize them. Stick up for yourself and not beat yourself up trying to serve other peoples wishes  when they differ from your own. You have to live with you longer than you will live with anyone else in the world. So find your peace with yourself and who you are.. not everyone has to like you.. but more will if you like yourself first.

Its okay to cry, crying is an expression of grief and when you loose something.. a marriage, a child, a friend. or yourself, there is grief. If anyone tells you differently walk away from them.. don’t just suck it up.. give yourself time and permission to feel bad and lick your wounds.. it only means you are healing yourself.

Its nice to have reached the calm waters of the opposite shore.   I hear there are more life rivers out there to cross.. I will build those bridges when I get there.