I guess any blog should start by telling the reader alittle about the writer. I am fifty years old and just finalized a divorce about 2 weeks ago. I am struggling right now to figure out my life and decided to start a blog to let out my feelings and emotions. I have burdened my friends , the few I still have left after the divorce, with my lifes turmoils, but decided that maybe perfect strangers would be a better idea. After all you cannot lose a friend you never had by pouring out your heart and soul in anguish. I feel at times like going thru my divorce is like trying to cross a raging river on small stepping stones. You never are sure of your footing , the rocks are slippery, each new decision is a cresting wave and at anytime you could slip and fall into the raging waters of your new life.
I filed the divorce. We had been married 22 years when I filed. We had met in a bar when we were both in the Marine Corps. It was the end of November, I was getting out of the Marine Corps in a few months and so was he. I had just just ended an engagement and was kind of feeling like I do now. Weak, Venerable, unsure of myself and scared to death of what the future held for me. I don’t know if he had every been in a serious relationship before, he never talked of any prior girlfriends, not even during the 22 years of marriage. But we had a mutual friend that thought we would be perfect together. So we started dating in December, left the Marine Corps in March, moved to Atlanta in April, bought a house together and were married in May. It was fast, it seemed secure and we had each other to cling to and support. I am not sure if love ever played a part in the decision, there wasn’t enough time to really get to know each other but atleast I had someone to take care of me.
After 6 months of marriage we were both working in commission sales and money grew tight. So we both quit our jobs. we were young and not so smart. While we looked for stabler work, I took a job typing letters for a man in our neighborhood to help make ends meet. Money and unemployment was to become a theme for many arguements to come.
We had our first child within 2 years. We jumped into this quickly too because our biological clocks were ticking. He was 30 and I was 27 when we married and he did not want to be a father into his 50’s. She was a beautiful baby girl. She scared us to death because she was born with a scalp defect that they thought could have been Spinal Bifida. An operation proved that it was only a scalp defect, but it put alot of strain on both of us. Another baby girl came 18 months later, followed by 2 miscarriages. By this time he had been through 3 more jobs, we had moved from Atlanta to Raleigh , NC and then onto Lumberton , NC. I began to think that getting pregnant caused him to loose his job because they seemed to happen at the same time. Each time he found a new job in another town, I stayed behind in my full time job until he could get established. During this time I took care of the kids while also arranging the move to the new location.
The years went by, unemployment and fights came more frequently. It got to the point we did not agree on anything, we never had intimate relations, I gained weight, he gained weight, we lost respect for each other and ourselves and put the children in between our disagreements more than once. All in all, it was not a healthy relationship but I used the excuse that the kids needed a two parent family besides there was no way I could support them on my own. Finally the kids left for college and I thought I could make things work after the children were gone. After all the girls were the stressor of the relationship. I had convinced myself that it when it was just the two of us we could revive the love. By this time he had taken a job overseas and I was working full time to help pay for the girls college. His job paid well and money was finally flowing in. I was suppose to meet him in Italy for a romantic vacation but I could not find myself getting excited about it as I planned the trip out. I woke up one day and truely acknowledged that the love, if there every had been any, was gone a long time ago and it was not coming back. I canceled my trip to Italy and I filed the divorce.
It has not been easy , and many times I wonder if I did the right thing. Right now i am having those doubts. I am on my own, my future is mine, I have no one else to blame for my mistakes or failures but me. And I wonder if I can make it. I cry alot, I have the lowest self confidence I have had in years. I slept fitfully at night , sometime only getting 2-3 hours of sleep. And I am never sure if the decisions I make are good or bad. I just know there seem to be a million things flying at me everyday and my stress level is so high I make rash decisions without thinking them through and then pay for them later. If there was ever a time in my life I felt I could be committed to an mental health faciltiy , it would be now. So welcome to my journey, maybe after taking a few blogs with me, one of you will call 911 for me and have them come get me with a straight jacket.
