Just when the water was getting alittle smoother and I felt like I was finally floating along to recovery and self acceptance, along comes a dance wave. By this I mean a set back or two that took me back to the two step shuffle of the healing process in the river. I try to act all tough like what has happened doesn’t effect me when actually it doesn’t take a whole lot to unravel me and bring out my insecurity, self denial and paranoia.
Where do I start? A few weeks back I had recieved a tax bill on my martial home, addressed to my new address. I did not think anything about it until last week when I got a Mortgage statement for the same house and it was still in my ex husbands and my name. My ex was suppose to refinance the home in his name with the divorce. I first tried to email him but he never answered, so I called the mortgage company and they confirmed that the refinance never happened. So I got mad and sent him and his attorney an email asking why the refinance never happened and why I was still on the mortgage, property taxes and insurance . I advised them that if I was responsible for all of these still then I felt I had the right to do what ever neccesary to releive my responsibility, including selling the house or taking him back to court and having all court and attorney fees charged back to him.
I emailed my daughters to find out if maybe he was just not in an area that he could recieve mail. One daughter came back with an answer. She said he just did not want to deal with me. I advised her that I really needed to get with him regarding some mail I recieved and asked her to have him contact me. She got upset and said that I should just get my attorney involved. I got irratated, how come she can pass on his message to me but not mine to him? We had a few words, via email, regarding what I percieved her problem to be. Then she hit me with a bomb. She said her father had told her that he was going to have me killed if I did not return his pictures! Who would tell their daughter this? I dont even know what pictures he was talking about, neither did she! I thought I was crazy, but that took the looney award. I was upset that I had said the stuff do her that I had, but none of it compared to that! No wonder she was acting the way she was! I called my other daughter, she confirmed it. They were stuck in between again. Just like this summer, and several times during their lives, they were getting blasted from both ends! More guilt and anguish engulfed me, this was mostly my fault, I filed the divorce! I created this mess for my chldren. Even the other night I was thinking, I should have left the marriage much earlier maybe it would have been easier when they were in high school. I dont know, I just hate that they are going thru this.
I told my friend what my ex had told my daughter and he asked if she was just making it up because she was upset with me. What kind of response was this? He does not even know my daughter and he says that about her? I said no she would not make that crap up! This kinda pissed me off. But I didnt let on becuase I didn’t want to make him mad when I thought things were going well between us. The relationship with my friend was starting to get intense again and I got carried away with a fantasy. Sexual tension had built to a head again and we both knew it was only a matter of time, actually very short time , before we would find ourselves in bed together again. I was in pain. I wanted him dreadfully. I built fantasies of how great it would be, even did something I have never done before, I bought a little outfit for the occasion. But deep down I was scared. I knew the fantasies were too good. I wasn’t even sure if we could live up to what my mind had created from the few memories I had left of this summer. I think he was scared too, he said he could not come see me this weekend. Which hurt my feelings, I took it as a personal insult, and it totally deflated th fantasy I had created in my mind. So I lashed out defensively, started lieing and back pedaling to protect myself. Something I do quite alot when I am hurt, angry and feel neglected or rejected. Now I feel its over. It has to be over between us. I am not in a place in my life I can deal with this type of situation with a single man, yet alone a married man. I cannot even keep him as a friend because that does not work. If I see him or spend time with him, I want him to be there with me. I want him to be all mine and me his! But this cannot happen, he is married, he has children and other obligations. And I am so weak, venerable and on the edge. It is not a good situation for either of us.
Tears roll down my face even as I type this, it all hurts so badly. I feel like a child who has just realised that Santa does not exist.
I am a child . I have so much to learn about myself and my feelings. I have so much maturing to do, even at fifty years old! I have been reading alot of books on Children of Alcoholics and other dysfunctional families. So much of it describes me and my underdeveloped emotional self. They all say after you get past the self denial it takes time, strength and alot of pain to find your self and comfort with who you are. I am currently full of the pain, lacking in the strength and trying not to worry about the time. Will I ever get the chance to just sit down to enjoy listening to the music rather than dancing?
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