I walked in my house and saw the wilted carnations. They symbolized how I feel.
Usually carnations are pretty strong and you don’t think they need alot of care. I had neglected them, I forgot to water them and they reflected that neglect. Usually I feel pretty strong, or atleast give that impression on the outside, but I need loving care and if I dont recieve it, I wilt. I feel pretty wilted right now.
I sent my friend a long text yesterday. I had tried to get him to come over so we could talk in person but he never answered. I hated to send shit over technology but reflecting now, it was probably better because had I physically seen him, I could not have delivered the message I wanted. I would have broke down and cried or found something funny to say, or not said anything at all. I know I cannot continue to see him in any way right now. It breaks my heart to do this because he is really my friend but I cannot control my stronger feelings for him as much as I try to. I am not in a place I can accept this intense of an emotional relationship. I am still riding an emotional roller coaster and if I continue to try to pursue anything right now it will only end in disaster for me. I was already starting to act crazy–Or kooky as he called it.
Relationships scare me. I am always afraid of mis-stepping, not being able to please someone, of being hurt or hurting someone. I go on a high because I feel loved, it feels good and I want to love them back. Then I sink because I just know they will stop loving me once they get to know me and see that I am not the person they think I am. So I cannot be myself.
Its a strange phenomenon because if I have someone I just want to be friends with, I can be myself. I let down my guard, I get comfortable with them and then they end up wanting a relationship with me. Which ruins the friendship. But if I have someone I want to have a relationship with, I can never be myself. I am always on edge, I cannot relax and just enjoy the time together. I am second guessing everything I say and do, and second guessing everything they say or do. I make it into a game of chess and then go bonkers trying to figure out their next move. I want them to win but I am only willing to give up the rooks, never the Queen or King, they remain heavily guarded and I fight till the death to save them. I watch every move the other side makes and try to anticipate and block the move I anticipate. Of course, this also ruins the relationship because I cannot read their minds, I don’t know what they are really thinking and I do stupid things that make them think I am crazy or Kooky. Which I guess reading this back, I am! I just dont know how to stop myself from this behavior.
It hurts like hell right now. I have trouble sleeping again, stay in bed till noon unmotivated to get up and do anything. I am forcing myself to eat something. Lost 4 lbs since Friday. I think the pain will dull eventually. I will still find times where I break down crying because I will see things that remind me of him. I will miss his company, talking to him, texting him. I gave him this blog to read, I hope he reads it becuase I will continue to write it and work on myself through it.
Like I told him, I do not know what the future holds for him or for me. I just know I have to find my way myself out of the self defeating ways I have. I cannot ask other people to do it for me and constantly prop me up or water me. I will always have a place for him in my heart and right now he must raise his son, I must raise me.
I watered the carnations and they are standing back up straight already. My recovery will not be so fast.
