Today is my birthday. I am 51 years old. I have now lived over a half century.
I am spending it alone. I don’t mind, I do a little work here and there, contemplate my situation, look to the future and know I need to follow my own path for the remainder of my life. The last week has been spent on a silent journey through my life, my mind, my actions. A trip down the rabbit hole, as I have heard it termed. I had held a lot of anger within me for many of these 50 years. Anger at people who hurt and abused me. Anger at myself. Anger that built and consumed me, till it finally busted out and aimed it all back at one poor soul last week. I thought it would help , and in a strange way it did. But not at all like I thought it would.
An eye for an eye, revenge, vindictiveness , bitterness, intentional hurt .. it is not sweet. It does no one any good. I cannot undo the actions I have taken. I take full responsibility. But not full blame. The anger is gone, replaced by sadness and a funny peace with myself. I realise that I alone am responsbile for my life and what happenes within it. If someone hurts me , its becuase i let them. If they abuse me its becuase I failed to stop them. If i am unhappy it is becuase I chose to be that way. My world is my own reality , everyone elses world is theirs. They may not see the world the same as I becuase they have their own beleifs, paths, experiences.
Some of this came to light when my friend, and I will still call him my friend for I do not hate him I actually still like him, sent me a text stating that his son had gotten the email I sent and asked me if I enjoy hurting innocent people. I thought, what was I.. I was an innocent person, he hurt me.. how could he even ask me or accuse me of something he was guilty of himself. His reality was obviously different than mine. In my reality, I was guilty of nothing but loving him and he abused that love. He did not see that by ignoring me, not explaining himself, sending me text saying he was hurting too because of what he was doing, not apologizing for misleading me, caused me a great deal of pain. Did he think that everything was going to be okay, I would know it was for the best, I would accept and move on. He should know that he was the reason I was still here in this area, he was the reason that I bought this Triplex, he was the reason I did almost everything I did.. suddenly it dawned on me. I had done this, I had built my world for him, around him, he never asked me to, I never told him that’s what I was doing.. it was what I had done to myself. I knew he was married, I have said so several times in this blog. I knew the truth, I knew it would never work out, I knew he would always go back to his family but I ignored what I knew, I built my fake reality around it working out. Then I chose to blame him only. We were both to blame, I was not as innocent as I thought.. actually there was no innocent party in all this. All of us, me, him, his family, my family , my past, his past, their past, everyone’s perceptions of what should and should not be in our lives and who should be able to give it to us, our taking granted of other peoples thoughts and not being totally honest with them or ourselves.. we were all were guilty of little selfish things that came together at a just the right moment in time and formed the circumstances that created this event.
I cannot change it, it is in the past and it is now history. The only thing I have control and can change right now is me. I can change my habits, my outlook, my beliefs and attitudes. I can strive to live a better life for myself and those that enter my reality. I cannot control fate or destiny, but I can control how i react and handle it. I cannot control others thoughts , feelings or percetptions, but I can try to get them to understand mine by being truthful with them and myself. I can let go of the past and the anger and move forward.
50 years have past and I am going to start living my own life .. finally!
