There are theories around that says that a good deed begats a good deed and you should pay it forward. I have come to the conclusion that evil works in the same manner. I have pondered my life and the bad or evil things I have done during it and to tell you the truth I cannot think of that many things that I have done to other people or creatures that was intentionally evil or nasty. Yes, I have talked about people behind their backs, I have said things I shouldn’t, but it has always been followed up by feeling awful about it and trying to do something nice to the person to make up for it.. even if they never even knew I had said anything. When I was young and my mother had what seemed like a million cats, I would throw one or two out a window.. usually after they had scratched me or pooped on my clothes or something– I never really hurt them though..they always got up and ran away.. and secretly I would find them later and apologise. One time when a boyfriend broke up with me and forgot his camera at my place, I allowed my friends to take pictures with it of shit in a toilet and their butts before I sent the camera back to him. He was really pissed when he developed the film ( they were other guys butts) . But I had never really done anything intentionally hurtful or mean to anyone or anything until this last year.. no matter how mean or hurtful people were to me.
I loved my mother to her death, I never told on my brother, I allowed my father to come to my house to visit and meet his grand-kids, I never retaliated against the guy who gave me VD or the guy who sexually attacked me, or the tax guy who tried to take advantage of me.. or countless other people over the years who hurt or harmed me physically or emotionally. But something happened this last year. It was as if a little bit of the nastiness from each wrongful deed stayed with me, building, growing, snowballing into a larger evil inside me.. waiting and wanting to get out. It became a dragon.. breathing fire and hungry to devour someone or something. It began to eat at me from the inside out.
I knew I felt an internal struggle going on but I wasn’t sure what it was all about.. I think I have described it, at least to my therapist, as two little people on each of my shoulders fighting and me caught in betweeen. So many little things came back to me that I had forgotten about, things I buried, the demons or dementors I called them. It was such an internal struggle.. sometimes I wasn’t even sure what exactly I was feeling. There was anguish, desperation, anger and anxiety over everything and amything. there was guilt and hurt and pain and hate. There were feelings I had tried to keep in check and control for so many years trying to be the perfect member of society and please everyone. Appear “normal” .
Two weeks ago, the dragon came unleashed. The hateful, anger filled, vengeful evil that had grown inside me flew out in the most vile, hateful,disgusting email I beleive I have ever read. There were things contained in that email that I would not even think possible to say. Mean, nasty , ugly words of hatred and retchedness. Yes, I kept it and have read it several times.. It hurts me to even read the things I wrote. I am not sure I could ever read it out loud or show it to anyone else. And to make matters worse, to think that a 14 year old child read it. Read the words about his father .. and his mother… that I wrote! My dragon of evil violated the most sacred bond.. the bond I hold higher and more dear than any other..the bond and trust between a child and parent!
His father said that he was a strong sensitive child with a forgiving nature. He called his son his hero and wished he could be more like his son.. I sure hope that that is true. I hope that the goodness in him is strong. I hope and pray that I have not passed on a portion of my dragon to him to breed.
There is no way to undo my evil deed.. the dragon is gone. One of the two little people is dead.. and the person that is left vows to try to pay penance. If good begats good, then let the rest of my life be good deeds, let me find the best in me and in other people, let me walk away from evil intent and not take it with me.. let me do something kind, generous, considerate each day. And if there is a way, if a higher power ever lets me.. if I get the opportunity.. let me make amends to the child who’s innocence I may have shattered. Let me create happiness, forgiveness and joy in other peoples lives.. and by this create the same for myself. The peace must come from within me.
