For a long time when I was young I was told that you grow up, you get married and you live happily ever after… I am wondering if this is a myth like don’t swim within an hour of eating, or dont go outside in cold weather or you will get sick!  I always thought that it was the way life was suppose to go.. you find your dream man(or woman) your soul mate, you have children and life is blissful.. it was the answer to every little girls prayers , hopes and dreams.  Or so I ( and countless other women) were taught to think. Now I am not so sure this marriage thing is the right answer.

 It is not just my life I base this theory on.. it is countless other lives and people I have met or observed.  The other day I was walking in the park , as I often do on nice days, and in front of me was a young couple with a baby carriage.  As I came up from behind them, I thought..Ahh to be young and in love with that first child out strolling on a beautiful fall day. Then I got closer. tThe couple was cussing at each other over the baby.. or really she was cussing at him.. him was pushing the stroller. She then grabbed the stroller from him , sat down on a bench and screamed at him. He grapped a back pack off the stroller , cussed at her and walked away.  No one said anything to the child in the stroller who was looking on with fear!  This is not the first time I witnessed a scene like this, similiar things happened in my own marraige.  I have met countless men and women with tales of bad marriages ,some with children, some with out.  I have met couples who share a house as a married couple but she lives on one end, he lives on the other and they barely speak.  I have met men cheating on their wives  and single men who have had affairs with married women.  I have read about both in the news.  Some are rich, some are poor, some are middle class.. all are unhappy .  I have met people who seemed so happy and in love and then ten years later barely able to tolerate the presence of the other.  So what is this marraige thing?

Is it to give legitimacy to the birth of children? If so, give the birth and split before you scar them with your anger, hatred and fighting!  Is it because we are told that is what will make us respectable adults?  If so, dont cheat because then you disrespect yourself, your spouse and the person you cheat with.. three times the harm  and no one respect you!   Is it becuase we are in love?  What is love and does love last forever or is it meant to be shared , given and bestowed upon many people during our lifetimes. Can love burn out if held too long? Were we really meant to find just one person , usually in our twenties it seems, that we were meant to be with the rest of our lives.  Do people change and grow in different directions over time and their love fade away?

What is everyones view on marraige? is it the same?  My view was that a marraige should be two people who love and care for each other enough to keep romance, sex, longing and respect alive and in balance. My ex husband told me my view was a fairy tale.. marriage was a partnership like a business.  Why did we not know that we were so different before we got married.  And how many other people make this same mistake?

Now on the other hand I have seen some marraiges that stand the test of time.  I have to admit, there are much fewer of these sitings.  Couples that you can tell when they look at each other, they love each other becuase their eyes twinkle so brightly. Couples that even as they grow older, he knows that she wants flowers even when she says “dont get me anything”  or she knows that he will look at her with love and appreciation when she puts his favorite dish in front of him on the table becuase she made it just for him even though she is allergic to it.   How did these people do it? How did they find each other? What was the magic formula?  how do you know it will work out? 

I cant let myself give up on this thought. Maybe marriage is a fairytale.. but maybe love can still happen. I know I am not rushing into a marriage again. I might not ever get married again.. I am not sure I want to take that path … but somewhere out there is someone .. someone who will bring that twinkle to my eye and keep it there.  I feel that in my heart!

So

and I am really okay with that! This has been a great week so far.

This weekend I had a break through. I allowed myself to feel and express anger again for the first time in several months. It was over a silly $20 coupon a grocery store sent me that turned out to take most of my day Sunday and another hour on Tuesday to get redeemed! But to me, it was an Earth shaking, thunder roaring, football player slap on the rear go get em, I am okay and I am allowed moment! It was when I realised that to get frustrated, feel anger and express it constructively and calmly was okay for me to do! And I can still love and respect myself afterward. The key is loving and respecting myself and calmly and constructively using my actions for the right cause and at the proper time!

Now this may seem to most people like a “duh” moment but  I am not most people. 6 months ago when my anger grabbed hold of me and consumed me, I acted irrationally and hurtful and it scared me. It scared me because the anger, frustration, bitterness and rage inside me was so powerful it out devoured my rational thought and then the ashes that were  left behind filled me with deep guilt and fear of it happening again. So this $20 coupon was sent to me for a reason, and it went far beyond the monetary value.  It redeemed some faith and trust in myself.  It allowed me to face a fear and overcome and forgive myself. It was an amazing little coupon!

Being able to forgive yourself is so important.. it is as important, if not more important  as forgiving other people. Other people will come and go in your life but you will always left living with yourself. Therefore this must also lead one to another “duh” thought.. if you will always be left at the end of each day with yourself..shouldnt you love you more than anyone else! Heck yes.. DUHHHH!  Why has this taken me 51 + years to realise?

So this week I have taken a new approach to life. I wake each morning and look in the miorror and tell myself ” I am great”. It is a little awkward and almost a struggle but then again so is walking when you first start. Sometimes I find myself tripping over my own words and adding a negative affirmation such as  “even if you are… ” and I stop, back up and say “I am great” this time I add a positive by saying “because you are … “  Then when i listen to the radio on the way to work and I hear a love song.. I substitute myself in the place off the you in the song.  For example if the song says  “you make me so very happy”  why does it have to be someone outside of yourself.. why cant I make me so very happy.  Well guess what I can!  And I do and I will continue to.. becuase it feels good to be in love with myself!

So tonight I went outside and looked up at the moon bright in the sky illuminating the earth below my feet and I told it I loved it. You know what the moon told me? It said “Ditto girl, It is your light reflecting off me that is making the earth around you so bright!

I liked that!

..sometimes it means  you have to set them free. An old adage but it holds true today.  There comes a time when loving someone means setting them free to live their own life.  This happens naturally with your children, you watch over them and care for them, try to raise them into decent people till they are grown then you have to set them free to live their own lives.  As much as it hurts it is the natural course of action with children.   But there are also other people that come into your life, you love them and then the love  ember slowly dies, and no matter how much you blow on the coals the fire never comes back. This happens with a divorce.  The there are those people you love with all your heart, you love them so badly it hurts! It tears apart your heart and soul as you realise that the best thing for both of you is to part ways and live your seperate lives.  It happens because you just loved too deeply and the timing was just not right.

It takes a lot of courage to say goodbye, its not an easy task and not everyone can do it. I have met people who just can’t seem to let go of their children’s lives, many of these same people, not surprisingly , are in marriages where the embers went out along time ago and the children are the only thread left binding them together.

This past two years I reached the perfect trifecto. I had to  set my children free to live their own lives. I let my marriage go because it was time to acknowledge the death of that relationship. And then I had to set my friend and lover free to live his own life before the flames devoured us both. It all hurts.. sometimes so badly I cant stand it.

I now have just myself and that’s probably all really all I need right now because  I need to bring myself back to me to love!

I act so nonchalant like it doesn’t bother me.  I act all tough like I can take what ever the world throws at me. I act like its a joke,  laughing  like I really don’t care and make myself into the fool.  I act haughty and proud, walking with my head high and my heart below my feet, trodding on it as I take each step.  I act because it is what I feel people expect me to do. Because I have been conditioned to not not share what may be offensive to others.

The truth is I am hurting. My heart is broken. I am alone. There is no one to hear my sobs or feel the wetness of my tears. There is no one to answer my questions because I don’t ask them of anyone else. There is no one to ease my pain or hold me till I feel better. I try to find solice or answers in myself but sometimes I can’t find any or take the blame on myself because there is no one else and I don’t want anyone else to feel like I do. But I don’t want to feel this way either.. Can’t someone see that?  Can’t people see I am acting?  Am I really that good at it?  Or do they see and just ignore it because it makes them uncomfortable, or they just dont care or is it because I always manage to survive..somehow… someway.. I fight through and go on.

I bite down hard on my lip, kick myself in the shin till it bruises, whip myself a few deep lashes on the back, pay my penance for my sins like a good catholic. I take the blame, I did something wrong, I was stupid, they were right, they were okay. I forgive them.  I am the ultimate martyr!

Who am I fooling? only myself!

What do I want.. I want them to see they hurt me.  I want them to apologize, to say they were wrong.. they screwed me over.. they played with my feelings, my emotions, my head, my body .. and I want them to tell me why!  I want them to admit  they abused me.. they took advantage of me.. they saw the weakness, the frailty and like leaches, they sucked the soul till till I was dry, then they blamed me for not having enough to satisfy their eternal craving.

I was a good daughter.. I tried to please my mother, I tried to make her love me.. but there was never a way to do that. Alcohol was her love.. nothing more.

I was a good mother. I gave everything I had or could think of to my children. I made sure they were well taken care of, I kept them healthy, I tried to teach them the right things, I made sure they were not looked down upon, I protected them from harm. I made a few mistakes I couldn’t catch it all but , damn am I not allowed to be human too.

I was a good wife. I supported my husband the best I could through many hard times. I took care of the house, the finances, the repairs, the children, the shopping, the moves from state to state chasing his new jobs after he lost the last one.  For 22 years I never cheated ..even after the passion, the fondness and intimacy had long ago died.  I remained faithful until the  love,  affection and sexual closeness I was so starved for could no longer be held back. Even then I filed a divorce before I could act on it.

I was a good girlfriend and lover. I loved him  even though he was married and went home to another woman each night. I never cheated on him.. I went out with a few  other men trying to stop the hurt but I felt bad about it and never became intimate with anyone, not even a kiss. Something he could not probably claim on his own.

I was a good worker and employee. Did I deserve to be dumped on and taken advantage of by male bosses who thought it was okay to ask things of me that they would not have asked of other women in the office.

I am tired!  I am tired of carrying the emotional load, the guilt, the trodding of my own feet on my back. People say that I must forgive to get past it, forgive them in order to forgive myself. I am trying.. but it is hard.  And I am frightened.. frightened that it will happen again, I will just keep repeating my actions, my sacrificing until there is nothing left of myself.  how do you become selfish about yourself? How do you learn to stop acting and start living?  Hollywood has nothing on me!

Another headline hit about the “the other woman” the poor innocent wife and the cheating man. I have no idea whether there is just more of this around or whether I just notice these stories more because they hit so close to my home, heart and guilt.  But I do notice them and they send me in a tail spin each time I read or listen to one of these stories.  If you have followed my blog, you will understand why. I was the “other  woman” and believe me, it is not a pleasant position to be in.

You do not set out to be “the  other woman” the husband stealer” the hussy” “the easy lay” “the whore” or any of the other names elegantly bestowed on you by society.  No.. you just fall in love with another person..unfortunately that person happens to be married.  Sometimes you dont know until it’s too late, sometimes you know and try to fight it as hard as you can but the feelings come anyway. It usually was not a planned action, you did not intentionally set out to hurt someone, actually the person that usually gets hurt the worst is you! You get hurt because you love a person that you know will probably not leave the financial security of his married life, a person that does not want to hurt his spouse or family even if he loves you (in the end you are much easier to hurt than the family), a person you know is much riskier to your mental health than any ordinary love.. but you love him despite the knowledge of all this.  You live with the guilt that if he can over come all these things and leave them to be with you, then you will be the cause for a family break up and another persons heart being broken. It is a damn if you do , damn if you dont scenario. You know deep in your heart you are going to lose no matter what! but god you love him and so you continue!   And no one seems to understand that you are inner conflict and turmoil the whole time. Your inner voices constantly fighting within you, battling out what is right and what is wrong . Your brain and your heart rip each other apart until you almost go crazy .. so you do something stupid or desperate.in an effort to stop the battle and get resolution to the conflict. .and it all blows up around you.  Like the young girl in the latest scandal.

I understand what she is going through.. I have been there. Guilt is a powerful emotion..love is a powerful emotion.. hurt is a powerful emotion.. and we are only human.  Pile this all on top of other daily strife and past skeletons and it is the thing movies are made from.  Only this is not on film, this is someones life. Believe me they will live in shame  all on their own and it will hurt for a long time.  As outsiders, you should try to understand, not judge, not condemn. You never know what your future holds,  one day it could happen to you.  I never believed it would happen to me, but it did.

I hate meeting people on-line.. it is such a meat market of preverts and weirdos– that guy I was so worried about meeting.. thought that in the picture I sent him ..I was blonde… he thought  my daughter was me! yewwww!

what is that 7-8 guys i have met on-line, on different sites and they were all trash!

Is it just me..do i attract these weirdos or are there any decent people left out there?

Today was a grey day.. not only was the sky grey, and overcast but my mood also.   I dont think I could live in Seattle or Portland, I am too susceptible to this weather thing! Actually it was not so much the grey of day that got to me as the the grey in me. You see I met a guy.. well not really yet. I had met him on line a while  back and nothing ever happened but for the last month or so we have been talking again. We have never met face to face,  I have never even seen a picture of him.. but we email back and forth and seem to get along and have stuff in common. He would like to meet, or at least he has asked to have a cup of coffee but I have been reluctant. Not sure I want to put myself in that spot again.. I am not sure I am quite over the hurt I suffered with my friend.. actually I know I am not. Yet the other day, I woke in the middle of the night and something said”you must move on”  so I thought I should listen to my inner voice. In an email this morning, I finally gave him my phone #.  And then began the day from hell ..inner hell, doubt and anxiety. by the end of the day, I was in Krogers with tears in my eyes as I heard a song play over the intercom that reminded me of my friend and the hurt and feelings I had.. And my inner voice said–”  you dont want to go there again!” my outer voice said.. “you cant handle it”  .. and my heart hurt .. alittle from the memory and alittle becuase the new guy never called.

Its a funny feeling.. I wish I knew if I will ever be able to handle another relationship again.. in some ways I want one, in other ways, they scare the bageebbers out of me. Having my heart hurt is not in my top ten list.. I dont think it even breaks the top 1000 list of my favorite things to do and experience! Relationships and emotions are such a grey area.. I am so much better wired for Black and White!

Oh my gosh, I cannot believe I have reached a point where life has settled down. I actually have nothing I can think of to complain about.  It was an incredible feeling when I realized this a few weeks back.

Is everything perfect and exactly how I want and dreamed it to be.. NO.

I still live in a small 1 bedroom apartment with renters above and beside me.. but I have a roof over my head (although it still leaks in a bad rain storm), a bed to sleep in every night food in the frig and the renters pay the mortgage.. so what’s so bad about this?

I have a new job that is within 5 minutes from my place.. and it seems to be a good fit for me. Got a small raise, better health insurance , spending less on gas and increased contribution to my retirement account with the job!

I joined a gym and try to exercise everyday to help keep healthy and in shape. My years maybe 51 but I don’t have to let my body or mind be that age!

I bought a little used truck to help me in my business.. Green of course! Always wanted a truck., they are so practical and there is something about driving a truck that makes me feel good.

I have money in the bank in case of an emergency.. and started investing again in different things.

My children are safe and finding a bit more stability in their lives.  I am letting go of them. They must walk their own tight wire, learn to steady themselves when they start to slip  and gain their own confidence.  My job now is to stay a safety net far below, just in case they do fall.

I am finally finding direction in my life.. and figuring out my life purpose. Although I have found a new job, it is not what I really want to do with my life. I beieve there is a purpose behind what I have been through in my life and I think I am beginning to see it as the fog is lifting. I am working on a new business idea, slowly!

I have met some new girlfriends and begun to have a social life. That really helps in finding more to do with your time besides feel sorry for yourself.

And I figured out that until I find and am happy with myself I have no room for a relationship with a man.  Although I miss the company of my friend still, I am better alone for now. Actually I have begun to enjoy my freedom and being on my own without any responsibility to anyone but myself.

I guess you could say that was a lesson learned the hard way.. what I did to my friend was not good, decent or my place to do. I hurt another human being, actually more than one and for that I have a lot of regret and remorse. It is hard to admit that the evil that you see in other people can exist in you as well if you let it. I don’t plan on letting it happen again.

Other lessons learned:

When you are in one of life’s  crazy periods, it seem’s that every other person that is also in a crazy period sets their radar on you. They come out of the woodwork like termites on a brand new board!  Beware…they will try to pull you into their crazy world and some of them like living there and like the company!

Life will go on.. no matter what happens.. but it is up to you to deal with your past .  You cannot ignore it.. it will not go away.. so no matter how horrible it is.. bring it out, talk or write about it ( there are people who will understand).. hold a memorial service then let it go gently and peacefully to its own grave.

Spend time alone with yourself, take walks ,  study the trees and see how nature revives itself, you are part of nature. Remember that  even though you stand alone as an individual with your own scars and branches, there are other trees that protect you, an earth that keeps you grounded and the sun which will eventually come out to strengthen you.  But none of us lasts forever so reach for the sun when ever it comes out .spread your branches out as far as you dare and shake your leaves in the breeze.  There is nothing more revered and admired  than a big healthy tree full of life. People will flock to your shade in the summer, envy your colors in the fall  and appreciate your protection in the winter.

Learn to set your boundries for what you will tolerate and want you wont, and verbalize them. Stick up for yourself and not beat yourself up trying to serve other peoples wishes  when they differ from your own. You have to live with you longer than you will live with anyone else in the world. So find your peace with yourself and who you are.. not everyone has to like you.. but more will if you like yourself first.

Its okay to cry, crying is an expression of grief and when you loose something.. a marriage, a child, a friend. or yourself, there is grief. If anyone tells you differently walk away from them.. don’t just suck it up.. give yourself time and permission to feel bad and lick your wounds.. it only means you are healing yourself.

Its nice to have reached the calm waters of the opposite shore.   I hear there are more life rivers out there to cross.. I will build those bridges when I get there.

Today started out shitty–literally! I woke in the middle of the night to thunder and reached over to check my alarm. I guess I must have turned it off rather than on because I woke up at the time I usually leave for work.  I called work, left a message that I would be late and got dressed. I didnt have time to even make coffee.. but just as I was headed out the door.. I had to poop. It struck me suddenly as I was getting into the car so I rushed back into the house  and quickly to the toilet.  Ahhh, it felt so good to relieve the pressure in my bowels. I thought I was finished, wiped , washed my hands and headed out towards the door. No sooner than I reached the door, my stomach rumbled and I headed back to the bathroom. Now I didn’t have diarrieha..it was a normal bowel movement so it was very odd  Again I thought I finished, wiped, washed and started out of the bathroom… again my stomach pulled me back on to the toilet. For a brief second I thought about calling in sick.. I hated to feel so rushed when I had a real cleansing bowel movement going but I really had work to do.. it was a busy time of year and I am the only one doing my job, so I pushed real hard to try to clear mybody of its waste, wiped again , washed again and was determined to get to work. I should have listened to my body, it was trying to tell me something!

I took a different route to work, I was going to turn my car in for an oil change and to check up, but the garage was very busy. then I stopped and picked up a dozen donuts (when did donuts get so expensive!) for work. By the time I got to work It was 8:45. Oh well, at least I made it.  I ate a donut sat down and started to work, but then there was an interruption.. we were told to go to another office for a meeting. I stopped at the bathroom on the way and missed the meeting (it was a short) so I found someone and was told the news, a coworkers wife had died that morning. We all knew her. She had been fighting for her life for several months and finally lost the battle.  And then the other news was that another coworkers mother was also dying..and may not make it through the weekend.  It was 10:00!  We went back to work, saddened and upset by the double whammy to our friends. I ate another donut.  Around 11:30 , another coworker came in, she was in tears.. she was coming in to say good bye.. she hugged us, wished us luck and left crying. We don’t assume she is coming back.. the story is still not quite out on what happened.. the rumors are.  I went to the bathroom again, came back and ate a donut.  The rest of the day progressed in the same manner but on a smaller scale. Bad news, no good news.  I started to get another donut but my stomach growled at me, I gave the donuts to another office. And went to the bathroom again.   All in all it was a pretty shitty day.. next time.. I am going to listen to my body and take my time , even if it is the whole day, to take a good poop and then I might be able to  bypass all the shit!

I am scared..

of living the rest of my life alone

of choosing someone wrong because I don’t want to be alone

of getting into a relationship because I may get hurt

of getting into a relationship because I may hurt someone else

of letting people see who I really am because they may not like me

of finding out who I really am because I may not like me

Of real things that happened in my life

of losing touch with reality with my life

Of dreams I have that may never be fulfilled

Of stopping dreamning and losing hope

of love

of life

of loving life…

of dying without loving

I am scared.